86 : Water Inside Only, Sir

86/365
3/7/2010

Characters:
Usher
Man
Woman
Employee

Setting:
Movie Theatre Entrance

- – - – -

Man and Woman approach the ticket-taker arm in arm, the Man holding a paper cup in his hand.

Woman:          All my girlfriends have said this movie is magic.  Like hot wax dripping onto a bear chest.

Man:               And I thought this was going to be a chick flick.

Woman:          Oh don’t get me wrong, I’ll still be crying by the end of it all.  Doesn’t mean there won’t be endorphins involved either.

Man:               Wow.  You’re getting more and more attractive as I learn more about you.

Woman:           Thanks?

The two approach the ticket-taker, Usher.

Man:               Hi there.

Usher:             Hey.

Man hands the Usher two tickets.  Usher takes the two tickets, looks at them, tears them in two and hands one half back to the man.

Usher:             All the way down and to the right.

Man:               Thank you.

Usher:             You’re welcome.  But sir, I’m sorry… you won’t be able to take your drink in with you.

Man:               Really?

Usher:             Water only.

Man:               But this is water.

Usher:             Doesn’t look like it.

Man:               See.

Man undoes the lid and shows the Usher the drink.

Usher:             That looks like tea.

Man:               Well it is ‘tea,’ but I mean, the bag isn’t even in there anymore.  So basically… it’s water.

Usher:             But it’s not water: It’s tea.

Man:               Would you say a piece of bread is no longer bread once it’s become ‘toast.’

Usher thinks a moment.

Usher:             Could you then make bread untoasted once it’s been ‘toasted?’

Man:               Look, it’s only green tea.

Usher:             I’m sorry but if I let you in with your green tea, the next patron will only expect the same.

Woman:          Maybe just this once?

Usher:             Cute, but no; I’m sorry.  I can’t.

Man:               Oh, but you can.  It’s water deep down, you know.

Usher:             I get it.  Look, if you really want to enjoy your tea inside here, I think I can help another way.

Man:               Yeah?

Usher:             Alright, listen here.  If you leave through there [main doors] and go down the escalators to the ground floor and go into the hallway towards the bathrooms, pass the bathrooms and go through the double doors at the end.  Once back there, take the first left… second right… then take the hallway all the way to the access elevator.  You keeping up?

Both:               Yeah, yeah.

Usher:             When you get there, get in and come up the third floor and take the first right… then the… second left.  Okay?  There’ll be a door marked ‘Clementine Theatres.’  Knock five times, as such…

Usher mimics knock.

Usher:             Once you’ve done this, the head usher will let you in and you will be sipping unsweetened jasmine wonderfulness throughout your entire cinematic experience.  You got that all?

Man:               Yeah.

Woman:          I think I got it.

Usher:             But I never told you this, okay?

Both:               Of course./ Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Usher:             Alright.  Looks like you’ve got 10 minutes ‘til the previews start; better get a move on.

Man:               Thanks.

Woman:          Thank you so much.

Usher:             Don’t mention it.

Man:               Let’s go.

Man and Woman leave.  Man sips the drink as they go.  Another Employee walks up to Usher.

Employee:      Why you so gitty?

Usher:             No reason.

Employee:      Is it because I have to stand here for the next four hours and you get to go home?

Usher:             Nope.

Employee:      Then why?

Usher:             Sometimes, it’s just too easy.

Employee:      (laughing) Did you send them on ‘the Great Outside Beverage Expedition?’

Usher:             That I did.

Employee:      Cool.  Now, I get to deal with them when they come back because they always find their way back eventually.

Usher:             That’s the idea.  And hopefully they’ll have finished their drink by then!  Have fun!

Employee:      You’re a jackass!

Usher:             See you tomorrow.

Employee:      You’re still a jackass.

Usher leaves.

Employee:      But damn if I don’t love you for it anyway.